Last year I wrote about post natal depression, until I experienced this I never really understood it, I never knew how a person could want a baby, love that baby more than life and yet feel hollow. I am fortunate to have come out the other side of this but that is not to say that there is not fall out. Talking about how you feel afterwards is just as much of a taboo as the depression itself. I suppose we feel that we should feel happy and grateful, and I am, that we should not talk about how we feel now.
So how do I feel? I feel pissed off. I am not pissed off with anyone or anything or even myself I am just sad that I missed it.
The fact is Humphrey was never yelled at, he had hugs, I paced the halls all night when he needed, I breast fed him on demand, which was all the time. I sang songs and played peekaboo but I was not there. I was physically but not emotionally present. I have distinct memories of what my love affair with Sebastian felt like. I know what my love affair with Humphrey feels like now and I know I missed a year.
Having a physically hard pregnancy and a year of PND I cannot help but feel that Sebastian lost his mummy for far too long.
It feels like stolen time. Time is the biggest gift and most painful thing to lose as a parent, we all want to bottle it up. All parents say it goes too fast and that is the universal truth.
When my good friend Sarah reached out to me to make a video with my boys I said yes but I had no idea how much this film would mean to me until she showed it to me. I always knew the woman was an amazing photographer/artist but now I am upgrading her title to sodding genius.
Her film has captured the passage of time perfectly. I am so moved by this film I am literately crying all over my keyboard writing about it. The way that the film speeds up and slows down and sometimes moves backwards. We have all had days when we feel it is moving backwards and longed for bedtime, then we look at them asleep and want to wake them up for more stories and cuddles.
I know I can never get that lost year with Humphrey back but having this film is pretty close. Thank you Sarah. Watch here film here.
Sarah Mason Photography is not matched by anyone if you want to capture emotion, stories and family time.
Disclaimer – Sarah is my friend and I did not pay for this film but all of the words are true and I often book her in a paid capacity for events also.